Fred's Blog
  • Fred's Blog
  • Writers Open House
    • Shane Joseph 2025-1
    • Ronald Mackay 2025-1
    • Jeremiah Gilbert 2025-1
    • Jeremiah Gilbert 2025-2
    • Malcolm Welshman 2025-1
    • Roger Knight 2025-1
    • Sue Wald 2025-1
    • Ronald Mackay 2025-2
    • Cherie Magnus 2025-1
    • Cherie Magnus 2025-2
    • Cherie Magnus 2025-3
  • Writers Open House Guidelines
  • Amazon Author Page
  • Info
  • 2024 Showcase Guidelines
  • 2024 Memoir Showcase
    • Elora Canne 2024-1 (M)
    • Sue Wald 2024-1 (M)
    • Patricia M Osborne 2024-1 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2024-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2024-1 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2024-2 (M)
    • Malcolm D Welshman - 2024-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2024-2 (M)
    • Denis Dextraze 2024-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2024-3 (M)
    • Sue Wald 2024-2 (M)
    • Denis Dextraze 2024-2 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2024-4 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp 2024-3 (M)
    • Don Hughes 2024-1 (M)
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2024-1 (M)
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2024-2 (M)
    • Sue Wald 2024 -3 (M)
    • Syd Blackwell 2024-1 (M)
    • Denis Dextraze 2024-3 (M)
    • Jackie Lambert 2024-1 (M)
    • Jackie Lambert 2024-2 (M)
    • Jeremiah Gilbert 2024-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2024-5 (M)
    • Sue Bavey 2024-1 (M)
  • 2024 Fiction Showcase
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2024-1 (F)
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2024-2 (F)
    • Shirley Read-Jahn 2024-1 (F)
    • Shirley Read-Jahn 2024-2 (F)
    • Sue Wald 2024-1 (F)
    • Shane Joseph 2024-1 (F)
    • Ronald Mackay 2024-1 (F)
    • Carly Standley 2024-1 (F)
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2024-3 (F)
    • Ronald Mackay 2024-2 (F)
    • Liliana Amador-Marty 2024-1 (F)
  • 2023 Showcase Guidelines
  • 2023 Memoir Showcase
    • Shane Joseph 2023-1 (M)
    • Shirley Read-Jahn 2023-1 (M)
    • Roger Knight 2023- 1 (M)
    • Sue Bavey 2023-1 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2023-1 (M)
    • Kelly Reising 2023-1 (M)
    • Robyn Boswell 2023-1 (M)
    • Syd Blackwell 2023-1 (M)
    • Sue Bavey 2023-2 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2023-2 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2023-1 (M)
    • Robyn Boswell 2023-2 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2023-3 (M)
    • Judy Middleton 2023-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2023-1 (M)
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2023-1 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2023-4 (M)
    • Syd Blackwell 2023-2 (M)
    • Valerie Poore 2023-1 (M)
    • Jackie Lambert 2023-1 (M)
    • Carrie Riseley 2023-1 (M)
    • Sue Bavey 2023-3 (M)
    • Jacqui Martin 2023-1 (M)
    • Dvora Treisman 2023-1 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2023-2 (M)
    • Jackie Lambert 2023-2 (M)
    • Mitos Suson 2023-1 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2023-5 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2023-6 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2023-3 (M)
    • Jacqui Martin 2023-2 (M)
    • Martha Graham-Waldon 2023-1 (M)
  • 2023 Fiction Showcase
    • Shane Joseph 2023-1 (F)
    • Ronald Mackay 2023-1 (F)
    • Ronald Mackay 2023-2 (F)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2023-1 (F)
    • Ronald Mackay 2023-3 (F)
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2023-1 (F)
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2023-2 (F)
    • Ronald Mackay 2023-4 (F)
  • 2023 Highlights
    • Syd Blackwell 2023-1 (H)
    • Tammy Horvath 2023-1 (H)
    • Shirley Read-Jahn 2023-1 (H)
    • Syd Blackwell 2023-2 (H)
  • 2022 Memoir Showcase
    • Shane Joseph 2022-1 (M)
    • Roger Knight 2022-1 (M)
    • Leslie Groves Ogden 2022-1 (M)
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2022-1 (M)
    • Shirley Read-Jahn 2022-1 (M)
    • Patsy Hirst 2022-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2022-1 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-1 (M)
    • Sharon Hayhurst 2022-1 (M)
    • Syd Blackwell 2022-1 (M)
    • Syd Blackwell 2022-2 (M)
    • Patsy Hirst 2022-2 (M)
    • Roger Knight 2022-2 (M)
    • John C. Rogers 2022-1 (M)
    • Thomas Laver 2022-1 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-2 (M)
    • Sue Bavey 2022-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2022-2 (M)
    • Lally Brown 2022-1 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-3 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2022-3 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2022-1 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-4 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2022-4 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2022-2 (M)
    • Jackie Lambert 2022-1 (M)
    • Valerie Poore 2022-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2022-5 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2022-3 (M)
    • Mike Cavanagh 2022-1 (M)
    • Mike Cavanagh 2022-2 (M)
    • Malcolm Welshman 2022-1 (M)
    • Nick Albert 2022-1 (M)
    • Denis Dextraze 2022-1 (M)
    • David McCabe 2022-1 (M)
    • Lizbeth Meredith 2022-1 (M)
    • Jill Dobbe 2022-1 (M)
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2022-1 (M)
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2022-2 (M)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-5 (M)
    • Jennifer Rae 2022-1 (M)
    • Jennifer Rae 2022-2 (M)
    • Mitos Suson 2022-1 (M)
    • Patsy Hirst 2022-3 (M)
    • Jennifer Rae 2022-3 (M)
    • Therese Marie Duncan 2022-1 (M)
    • Carolyn Muir Helfenstein 2022-1 (M)
    • Carolyn Muir Helfenstein 2022-2 (M)
    • Kelly Reising 2022-1 (M)
    • Ronald Mackay 2022-6 (M)
    • Syd Blackwell 2022-3 (M)
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2022-4 (M)
    • Denis Dextraze 2022-2 (M)
    • Patsy Hirst 2022-4 (M)
  • 2022 Fiction Showcase
    • Shane Joseph 2022-1 (F)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-1 (F)
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2022-1 (F)
    • Keith Moreland 2022-1 (F)
    • Lindy Viandier 2022-1 (F)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-2 (F)
    • Robert Fear 2022-1 (F)
    • Lindy Viandier 2022-2 (F)
    • Janet Stobie 2022-1 (F)
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2022-3 (F)
    • Philippa Hawley 2022-1 (F)
    • Daisy Wood 2022-1 (F)
    • Valerie Poore 2022-1 (F)
    • Lynn C. Bilton 2022-1 (F)
    • Sue Bavey 2022-1 (F)
  • 2022 Showcase Guidelines
  • 2022 Guest Blogs
  • 2021 Authors Showcase
    • John L. Fear 2021 - 1
    • Sue Bavey 2021 - 2
    • Valerie Poore 2021 - 3
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2021 - 2
    • Mitos Suson 2021 - 1
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2021 - 1
    • Donna O'Donnell Figurski 2021 - 1
    • Dolores Banerd 2021 - 1
    • Lynn C. Bilton 2021 - 1
    • Sverrir Sigurdsson 2021 - 1
    • Sharon Hayhurst 2021 - 1
    • Liliana Amador-Marty 2021 - 1
    • Sue Bavey 2021 - 1
    • Karen Telling 2021 - 1
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2021 - 1
    • Liesbet Collaert 2021 - 1
    • Susan Mellsopp 2021 - 3
    • Ronald Mackay 2021 - 6
    • Shirley Read-Jahn 2021 - 1
    • Jackie Lambert 2021 - 1
    • Valerie Poore 2021 - 2
    • Carolyn Muir Helfenstein 2021 - 3
    • Jennifer Rae 2021 - 1
    • Chris Calder 2021 - 1
    • Valerie Poore 2021 - 1
    • Mike Cavanagh 2021 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2021 - 5
    • Roger Knight 2021 - 3
    • Carolyn Muir Helfenstein 2021 - 2
    • Joanne Guidoccio 2021 - 1
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2021 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2021 - 4
    • Carolyn Muir Helfenstein 2021 - 1
    • Shane Joseph 2021 - 2
    • Susan Mellsopp 2021 - 2
    • Denis Dextraze 2021 - 2
    • Syd Blackwell 2021 - 2
    • Ronald Mackay 2021 - 3
    • Roger Knight 2021 - 2
    • Margaret South 2021 - 1
    • Denis Dextraze 2021 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2021 - 2
    • Susan Mellsopp 2021 - 1
    • Roger Knight 2021 - 1
    • Shane Joseph 2021 - 1
    • Syd Blackwell 2021 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2021 - 1
    • Adrian Sturrock 2021 - 1
    • Cherie Magnus 2021 - 1
  • 2021 Showcase Guidelines
  • 2021 Guest Blogs
  • 40 years ago today
  • 2020 Authors Showcase
    • Vernon Lacey 2020 - 1
    • Carolyn Muir Helfenstein 2020 - 1
    • Liliana Amador-Marty 2020 - 1
    • Alison Alderton 2020 - 1
    • Lizzie Jewels 2020 - 1
    • Robyn Boswell 2020 - 4
    • Lally Brown 2020 - 1
    • James Robertson 2020 - 2
    • Ronni Robinson 2020 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2020 - 6
    • Denis Dextraze 2020 - 5
    • Syd Blackwell 2020 - 2
    • Susan Mellsopp 2020 - 2
    • Robyn Boswell 2020 - 3
    • Val Poore 2020 - 1
    • Mike Cavanagh 2020 - 3
    • Helen Bing 2020 - 3
    • Neal Atherton 2020 - 1
    • Susan Joyce 2020 - 1
    • Leslie Groves Ogden 2020 - 1
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2020 - 4
    • Elizabeth Moore 2020 - 2
    • Denis Dextraze 2020 - 4
    • Patty Sisco 2020 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2020 - 5
    • Syd Blackwell 2020 - 1
    • Frank Kusy 2020 - 1
    • Malcolm Welshman 2020 - 1
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2020 - 1
    • Susan Mellsopp 2020 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2020 - 4
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2020 - 3
    • Denis Dextraze 2020 - 3
    • Robyn Boswell 2020 - 2
    • Ronald Mackay 2020 - 3
    • Helen Bing 2020 - 2
    • Roger Knight 2020 - 3
    • Amy Bovaird 2020 - 1
    • Patricia Steele 2020- 1
    • Elizabeth Moore 2020 - 1
    • Helen Bing 2020 - 1
    • Mike Cavanagh 2020 - 2
    • Ronald Mackay 2020 - 2
    • Denis Dextraze 2020 - 2
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2020 - 2
    • Roger Knight 2020 - 2
    • Mike Cavanagh 2020 - 1
    • Robyn Boswell 2020 - 1
    • Irene Pylypec 2020 - 1
    • Denis Dextraze 2020 - 1
    • James Robertson 2020 - 1
    • Andrew Klein 2020 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2020 - 1
    • Roger Knight 2020 - 1
    • Tina Wagner Mattern 2020 - 1
  • 2020 Guest Blogs
  • 2020 Showcase Guidelines
  • 2019 Authors Showcase
    • James Robertson 2019 - 6
    • Val Vassay 2019 - 2
    • Syd Blackwell 2019 - 6
    • Dawne Archer 2019 - 1
    • Susan Mellsopp 2019 - 3
    • Ronald Mackay 2019 - 6
    • James Robertson 2019 - 5
    • Sarah Owens 2019 - 1
    • Syd Blackwell 2019 - 5
    • Dolores Banerd 2019 - 1
    • Val Vassay 2019 - 1
    • Helen Bing 2019 - 4
    • Ronald Mackay 2019 - 5
    • Tina Mattern 2019 - 4
    • James Robertson 2019 - 4
    • Robyn Boswell 2019 - 3
    • Helen Bing 2019 - 3
    • Syd Blackwell 2019 - 4
    • Adrian Sturrock 2019 - 2
    • Jill Stoking 2019 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2019 - 4
    • Tina Mattern 2019 - 3
    • Cherie Magnus 2019 - 1
    • Roger Knight 2019 - 3
    • Susan Mellsopp 2019 - 2
    • Robyn Boswell 2019 - 2
    • Syd Blackwell 2019 - 3
    • Catherine Berry 2019 - 1
    • James Robertson 2019 - 3
    • Nancy McBride 2019 - 2
    • Tina Mattern 2019 - 2
    • Ronald Mackay 2019 - 3
    • Susan Mellsopp 2019 - 1
    • Mike Cavanagh 2019 - 1
    • Helen Bing 2019 - 2
    • Nancy McBride 2019 - 1
    • Malcolm Welshman 2019 - 1
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2019 - 1
    • Patty Sisco 2019 - 1
    • Syd Blackwell 2019 - 2
    • Adrian Sturrock 2019 - 1
    • Tina Mattern 2019 - 1
    • James Robertson 2019 - 2
    • Ronald Mackay 2019 - 2
    • Roger Knight 2019 - 2
    • Liliana Amador-Marty 2019 - 1
    • Celia Dillow 2019 - 1
    • Helen Bing 2019 - 1
    • Syd Blackwell 2019 - 1
    • Ronald Mackay 2019 - 1
    • Robyn Boswell 2019 - 1
    • Kelly Reising 2019 - 1
    • James Robertson 2019 - 1
    • Roger Knight 2019 - 1
  • 2019 Showcase Guidelines
  • 2019 Guest Blogs
  • Competitions
  • 2018 Travel Highlights
  • 2018 Travel Stories
    • Robyn Boswell 2018 - 5
    • Apple Gidley 2018
    • Lindsay de Feliz 2018 - 5
    • Helen Bing 2018 - 3
    • Julie Watson 2018
    • Anisha Johnson 2018
    • Philip East 2018
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2018 - 2
    • Mike Cavanagh 2018 - 3
    • Ronald Mackay 2018 - 5
    • Malcom Welshman 2018 - 2
    • Celia Dillow 2018
    • Syd Blackwell 2018 - 5
    • Lee P. Ruddin 2018
    • Cat Jenkins 2018
    • Anierobi Maureen Ogechukwu 2018
    • Dede Montgomery 2018
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2018 - 2
    • Parishka Gupta 2018 - 2
    • Angie Clifford 2018
    • Emma Yardley 2018 - 4
    • Roger Knight 2018 - 2
    • Mark Boyter 2018 - 2
    • Laurel Casida 2018
    • Mike Cavanagh 2018 - 2
    • Alison Galilian 2018
    • Colleen MacMahon 2018
    • Zahra Makda 2018
    • Ronald Mackay 2018 - 4
    • Susmitha Subramanya 2018
    • Lindsay de Feliz 2018 - 4
    • Aleksandra Krysik 2018
    • Swarnabha Dutta 2018
    • Delores Topliff 2018 - 2
    • Sourabha Rao 2018
    • Valerie Fletcher Adolph 2018
    • Swatilekha Roy 2018
    • Syd Blackwell 2018 - 4
    • Robyn Boswell 2018 - 4
    • Mary Mae Lewis 2018
    • Parishka Gupta 2018
    • Helen Bing 2018 - 2
    • Madeline Sharples 2018
    • Joe Dodkins 2018
    • Andrew Klein 2018 - 2
    • Roger Knight 2018
    • Rob Johnson 2018
    • Anu Devi 2018
    • Lu Barnham 2018
    • Amy Bovaird 2018 - 2
    • Helen Bing 2018
    • Emma Yardley 2018 - 3
    • Lindsay de Feliz 2018 - 3
    • Robyn Boswell 2018 - 3
    • Alan Passey 2018
    • Ben Stamp 2018 - 3
    • Susan Mellsopp 2018 - 2
    • Alyson Hilbourne 2018
    • Sunny Lockwood 2018 - 2
    • Syd Blackwell 2018 - 3
    • Ronald Mackay 2018 - 3
    • Brigid Gallagher 2018 - 2
    • Martha Graham-Waldon 2018
    • Mark Boyter 2018
    • Kristen Caven 2018
    • Neyda Bettencourt 2018
    • Robyn Boswell 2018 - 2
    • Logan Wood 2018
    • Ben Stamp 2018 - 2
    • Emma Yardley 2018 - 2
    • Wenlin Tan 2018
    • Tom Czaban 2018
    • Claudia Crook 2018 - 2
    • Lindsay de Feliz 2018 - 2
    • Dolores Banerd 2018
    • Piyumi Kapugeekiyana 2018
    • Stephanie Dagg 2018
    • Gabrielle Chastenet 2018
    • Bonnie Jean Warren 2018
    • Rasa Puzinaite 2018
    • Patricia Steele 2018
    • Ronald Mackay 2018 - 2
    • Syd Blackwell 2018 - 2
    • Louise Groom 2018
    • Malcom Welshman 2018
    • Delores Topliff 2018
    • Claudia Crook 2018
    • Robyn Boswell 2018
    • Amy Bovaird 2018
    • Emma Yardley 2018
    • Ben Stamp 2018
    • Jesus Deytiquez 2018
    • Ria Chakraborty 2018
    • Brigid Gallagher 2018
    • Jules Clark 2018
    • Nancy McBride 2018
    • Susan Mellsopp 2018
    • David Greer 2018
    • Lindsay de Feliz 2018
    • Aditi Nair 2018
    • Mike Cavanagh 2018
    • Frank Kusy 2018
    • Andrew Klein 2018
    • Ronald Mackay 2018
    • Syd Blackwell 2018
    • Sunny Lockwood 2018
    • Robert Fear 2018
  • 2018 Guest Blogs
  • 2017 Travel Highlights
  • 2017 Travel Stories
    • Matthew Dexter - 2
    • Sandra Walker
    • Rishita Dey
    • Lisa Baker
    • Patricia Steele - 2
    • Sue Clamp
    • Debbie Patterson
    • Jill Stoking - 2
    • Robyn Boswell - 2
    • Cherie Magnus
    • Mark Boyter - 2
    • Rita M. Gardner
    • Alex Curylo
    • Graham Higson
    • Jill Dobbe - 2
    • Amy Bovaird - 3
    • Elizabeth Moore - 3
    • KC Peek
    • Lucinda E Clarke
    • Nancy McBride - 2
    • Frank Kusy - 2
    • Yvonne Kilat - 3
    • Mike Cavanagh - 2
    • Susan Mellsopp - 5
    • Mather Schneider
    • Syd Blackwell - 5
    • Gundy Baty - 3
    • Elizabeth Moore - 2
    • Jill Dobbe
    • Heather Hackett
    • Bob Manning - 2
    • Mark Boyter
    • Jackie Parry
    • Matthew Dexter
    • Amy Bovaird - 2
    • Gundy Baty - 2
    • Susan Mellsopp - 4
    • Susan Joyce - 2
    • Syd Blackwell - 4
    • Yvonne Kilat - 2
    • Bob Manning
    • Elizabeth Moore
    • Yvonne Kilat
    • Olivia-Petra Coman
    • Susan Mellsopp - 3
    • Gundy Baty
    • Syd Blackwell - 3
    • Paul Spadoni
    • Phil Canning
    • Jill Stoking
    • Robert Fear
    • Anna Coates
    • Kelly Reising
    • Syd Blackwell - 2
    • Susan Mellsopp - 2
    • Sine Thieme - 2
    • Alison Ripley Cubitt
    • Angie Clifford
    • Philippa Hawley
    • Nancy McBride
    • Robyn Boswell
    • Mike Cavanagh
    • Amy Bovaird
    • Susan Mellsopp
    • Patricia Steele
    • Susan Joyce
    • Peggy Wolf
    • Sine Thieme
    • Syd Blackwell
    • Frank Kusy
  • 2016 Travel Highlights
  • 2016 Travel Stories
    • Robyn Boswell
    • Elizabeth Moore - 5
    • Susan Joyce - 3
    • Bob Manning
    • Jackie Parry - 2
    • Mike Cavanagh - 2
    • Lisa Fleetwood
    • Mark Boyter - 2
    • John Rayburn - 5
    • Mark Boyter
    • John Rayburn - 4
    • Elizabeth Moore - 4
    • Mike Cavanagh
    • Graham Higson
    • Philippa Hawley
    • Jill Stoking
    • Nancy McBride - 2
    • Susan Joyce - 2
    • Lucinda E Clarke
    • Elizabeth Moore - 3
    • John Rayburn - 3
    • Jill Dobbe
    • Richard Klein
    • John Rayburn - 2
    • Jackie Parry - 2
    • Elizabeth Moore - 2
    • John Rayburn
    • Jackie Parry
    • Elizabeth Moore
    • Kelly Reising
    • Susan Joyce
    • Nancy McBride
    • Stewart Brennan
    • Frank Kusy
  • Behind the Scenes
  • 2015 Travel Highlights
  • 2015 Travel Stories
    • Val Vassay
    • Doug E. Jones
    • Matthew Dexter (2)
    • Beth Haslam
    • John Rayburn (4)
    • Susan Joyce (2)
    • Jackie Parry (2)
    • Lucinda E. Clarke (2)
    • Jill Dobbe
    • Francene Stanley
    • Richard Klein (2)
    • John Rayburn (3)
    • Julie Haigh
    • Frank Kusy (2)
    • Nancy McBride (2)
    • Anne Durrant
    • Lucinda E. Clarke
    • John Rayburn (2)
    • Nancy McBride
    • Sarah Jane Butfield
    • Jackie Parry
    • Kelly Reising
    • Gareth Nixon
    • John Rayburn
    • Jeremy Parris
    • Matthew Dexter
    • Susan Joyce
    • Richard Klein
    • Frank Kusy
    • Robert Fear
  • Daily Diary
    • February Archive
    • March Archive
    • April Archive
    • May Archive
    • June Archive
    • July Archive
  • Reviews

​Antonias Big Lot Christmas by Tina Wagner Mattern


​I know you want to hear the whole sordid story, about how I ended up drunker than a skunk on Santa’s lap three weeks before Christmas. And about how that fiasco turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me—right?
            Okay, here it is:  The first rotten thing that happened was that Roger, the only great-looking guy I ever dated, dumped me the day before Thanksgiving.  Aside from the fact that I was so happy to finally have a boyfriend that my family and friends didn’t make fun of, I was actually in love with him, sort of.  He had some nice qualities, like award winning teeth; my friends called him Mr. Ultrabright, and some other good traits that I just can’t think of right this minute. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t the nicest guy I ever went out with; there were a few little things he did and said that were a bit hard to deal with. Like, I had to ride in his back seat when he came to pick me up; of course, he did say that that was only because he had a fantasy about being a taxi driver and definitely not because he didn’t want people to think I was his date. And then there was the weight thing…but I have to say that I would never have lost those twelve pounds if it hadn’t been for his subtle hints: pointing at my dessert and then pointing to my hips, etc.
            I wouldn’t have gotten my nose fixed either, which has been a huge improvement on the balance of my facial features. Even my mother had to admit that.  The implants have given me a much better self-image too; nobody can call me Titless Toni anymore. Thanks to Roger, I’ve got a pair of jugs that are so big, if I stand on my head, I’ll suffocate.
            But in spite of all that, I really did pretty much love him; we had some great times on the weekends when he wasn’t busy with his friends. And so, when he told me over dinner (which I bought—again) that he thought we should see other people (meaning HE should see other people and I should go back to dating homely guys), it hurt. I was very depressed.  Thanksgiving dinner sucked; when I showed up without Roger, my father just shook his head, my brother said, “Roger finally got himself some glasses, huh?” And my mother said, “I TOLD you, you should have gotten the D implants!”
            It’s good to have a family sensitive to your pain.
            And then I got laid off.  I should have seen it coming but I didn’t.  I got into work, hung up my jacket, got my tools out and Mr. Albermarle called me into the inner sanctum, as he likes to call it. I always hate going in there…the organ music is so depressing—and the smell of lilies and roses is just overwhelming.  I suppose I should be used to it by now; it goes with mortuary territory and I’ve been here a year, but some things just bug you, you know? So anyway, the boss says, “Come in, Antonia. Sit down.” Never a good sign when he wants me to sit because sitting means not working and Mr. Albermarle’s tenet is, the only reason not to be doing something constructive, is if you’re dead.
            I sighed and sat down on the little casket-shaped ottoman across from his desk, figuring that he was going to ask me to assist him in the inner-sanctum again, as he has for months now.
            His theory is that once I spend some time helping him embalm a few folks, I’ll fall in love with the work. Never mind that I get faint when my manicurist trims my cuticles, and even watching someone blow their nose makes me gag. 
 
            I’ve finally gotten to where I can do the dearly departed’s hair without throwing up but that’s only because the folks look pretty normal by the time they make it to my service. Most of them look like peaceful, happy, if a bit surprised, life-sized dolls. I can deal with that. And the money’s good, especially considering that I only have to do the front of their hair.
            But Mr. Albermarle cleared his throat and ruined the end of an already lousy week.  “I think you need to take some time off, Antonia.”
            I blinked up at him, “Huh?”
            “You maybe need to rest up so you can get over this little funk you’ve been in for the last few weeks.”
            “Funk?” The almost-love of my life has left me and he calls it a funk? “I’m fine,” I sniffled, digging in my pocket for a tissue. “Couldn’t be better.”
            “Mrs. Dearborn’s daughter said her mother looked like a poodle on crack when you got done with her. And she’s not the only one; Carlos Ramirez almost had a stroke when he saw the cornrows in his father’s hair.”
            “Mrs. Dearborn’s daughter is a controlling, anal-retentive shrew,” I muttered. “Her mother probably kicked the bucket just to get away from her. And Mr. Ramirez needed a lift…he looked so….so….DEAD!”
            Mr. Albermarle sighed. “Now see, that’s what I’m talking about. This isn’t the Antonia I know. You’re a nice person; you just need some time off.”
            “But—“
            “No buts, you’re on official leave of absence as of right now. Come back when you get it all worked out.”
            Damn!  Things couldn’t get worse.
            And then they did.
            My cat, Mrs. Haberschnaber, left me. Two years of tender loving care in spite of hairballs the size of ground squirrels, a growing weight problem, two-inch deep trenches clawed in my sofa cushions and her insistence on sleeping draped across my forehead, and then when I need some compassionate, nurturing care…she’s off like a dirty shirt.
            What the hell? Am I reaping Karma for some rotten deed in a previous life or what?
            Anyway, these undeserved plagues are what led me, at two o’clock in the afternoon, on the first Tuesday in December, to drink six bottles of beer, four of those little airline bottles of tequila and half a pint of peppermint schnapps, which I poured over a quart of Ben & Jerry’s pistachio ice cream.
            The next thing I remember is deciding to take a walk to clear my head, which by then was feeling like someone had inserted a balloon up my nose into my brain and then inflated it with helium. I ended up at the strip mall a half mile from my house, where a sign in the window of the Big Lots store announced, SANTA’S HERE!”
            “Santa!” I burbled, overcome suddenly with nostalgia over a memory of some classic Christmas movie with a little girl who didn’t believe in Santa and then ended up writing him a letter and getting a new house, or a dad or a nose job or whatever.
            “Yay! Good old Santa’s here to save the day! Just what I need! If anybody’ll listen to my problems without getting all judgmental, it’s Santa!”
 
 
            Three o’clock in the afternoon was apparently not this store’s peak shopping hour. Aside from a bored-looking clerk talking to her boyfriend on her cell phone, I seemed to be the only shopper in the building.
            I staggered past the canned food aisle, bounced off the pots and pans aisle a couple of times and sat down rather abruptly in the candy aisle (I did NOT fall) but eventually made it to the back of the store where I finally found Santa Claus. He was all by himself in an overstuffed recliner next to a sign that said, Half Off All Furniture, self-consciously practicing his Ho, Ho, Ho’s. I have to say, he was trying very hard to look professional; sitting up all straight and serious in his chair, beard & mustache neatly arranged, hat at just the right angle, and all this despite the fact that there wasn’t one kid around to appreciate how ready he was to dazzle and delight them. Truthfully though, he was never going to win any awards for being the perfect St. Nick…he was too young and kind of deflated looking, like someone had let all the air out of him. It was obvious he was wearing a pretty hefty pillow under his red velvet suit.  But what the hell, old and fat or young and skinny, he was Santa and I needed him, so I walked over to the “Line Up Here” sign, picked it back up after crashing into it and waited expectantly for Himself to invite me onto his lap. Santa, however, just sat there staring at me, looking rather confused.
            “Hi Santa!” I called, waving shyly at him. I mean, it’d been years since I’d been to see Jolly Old St. Nick, —the whole scene was still a little intimidating.
            Santa cocked his head in obvious bewilderment and cleared his throat before saying, “Uh…hello? Can I help you?”
            Just the question I was hoping for! I staggered over and threw myself onto his lap, wrapped my arms around his neck and burst into tears.
            “Hey!” Santa’s lap lurched, nearly launching me onto the floor but I held on and just cried harder.
            To the poor guy’s credit, once he realized I wasn’t going to be easily dislodged, and I was after all sobbing all over his red-velvet shoulder in obvious misery, his human compassion kicked in, he put his arm around me and patted my shoulder. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay…really.”
            “No it won’t!” I bawled, and proceeded to tell him the whole sordid story of my horrible month, getting dumped, the forced leave of absence, my cat abandoning me, my cold-hearted family…all of it in pitiful detail. When I got to the part about the boob job, I put my hands under them, lifted them up high for his observance and cried, “Look at the size of these, for God’s sake! Do you know how much these suckers weigh?”
            Young Mr. Claus made a funny choking noise in his throat. But then, as I continued to weep, he recovered himself enough to gently rock me, murmuring “Okay...Okay.”  When I finally ran down to only a few occasional hiccupping sobs, he dug a handful of Kleenex out of his pocket and handed it to me.        
            “Thank you,” I sniffled.
            “No problem.” And then with a sweet attempt at lightening the situation, he said, “So, young lady…what can Santa bring you for Christmas?”
            I shrugged and shook my head, “A new boyfriend? A breast reduction? Crap, I don’t know!”
            Santa squeezed my hand. “Well, if my opinion counts for anything, I think anybody who’d walk out on you is a stupid jerk”
            “You do?”  
            “Yeah. And I’m Santa. I know when someone’s a stupid jerk. I have a list!”
            “Santa?” Suddenly a tiny voice cut into our little tableau. We both looked up to see a kid of about 6 standing over by the “Line Up Here” sign. She looked stunned and more than a little worried to see a twenty-something, red-nosed, tear-streaked woman sniffling on Santa Claus’s lap. I jumped up, shocked sober, wiped at my cheeks and pasted on a smile.
            “Thank you, Santa! I’ll tell my little girl that you’ll be leaving her lots of presents on Christmas Eve.”
            “Ho-Ho-Ho! You do that, little lady! Tell her I know she’s been a good girl!”
            The kid looked relieved but still a little wary.
            “I’d better get going,” I whispered. “Thanks for putting up with a drunken crazy woman.”
            “No problem. Really,” he whispered back. And then, glancing over at the little girl who was still watching intently, he said loudly, “Watch for me on Christmas Eve! Now, who’s next?”

*                                              *                                              *

​            Things have a way of working themselves out, don’t they? I mean, especially during the Christmas season, it seems like. Anyway, by the week before Christmas, Mr. Albermarle called and told me that the Ramirez’s cousins, whose aunt died last week, wanted me to come and put cornrows in her hair. They thought I did a nice job on their uncle. Can you believe it?  And my fat, runaway cat, Mrs. Haberschnaber? Turns out she wasn’t fat, she was pregnant! She showed up on my doorstep last Tuesday with three baby kitties.
            I even came to terms with my family, pretty much. I decided to just accept them as they were because they were never going to change. So my life was looking up by Christmas Eve. Not to say that I wasn’t feeling sad and lonely, sitting in front of my tree by myself, drinking a non-alcoholic glass of eggnog and listening to Christmas music on the radio.
            I was just thinking about turning the lights out and heading upstairs to an early bed when the doorbell rang. Now who….? I looked at the clock over the mantle—it was 9:30. Too late for UPS or FEDEX, I thought. So who else would be here at this hour?
            I crept over to the front door and peeked through security peep-hole.  Santa Claus was standing on my front porch!  As if he knew I was peering out at him, he grinned and held up a card for me to see. I looked at it and blinked…it looked like a driver’s license. He held it up closer--my mouth dropped open. It was my driver’s license! I opened the door and Santa held it out to me.
            Taking it from him in wonderment, I said, “Where---?”
            “It must have fallen out of your purse when you came to see me at Big Lots,” he said, smiling.
           
 
            “I didn’t even miss it!” I said. “But you brought it all the way over here for me on Christmas Eve? That’s….that’s…so NICE!”  
            He shrugged and said, “Hey…I told you to watch for me on Christmas Eve!  Then, reaching up, he pulled off the fake beard and slid the red cap from his head, revealing a fresh-faced, nice looking but in no way stunningly handsome guy with light-brown hair and laughing green eyes. Holding out his hand to me, he said, “Hi! My name’s Dave.”
            I shook it, my expression surprised and delighted, and said, “Hi! My name’s Toni. Nice to meet you.”
            “So…” he said, with a very sweet, Santa-like smile, “Got any plans for New Years?”


Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture

​Copyright © 2025
Proudly powered by Weebly