Into yourself by Aleksandra Krysik
I thought that many things are behind me. I wanted to believe that the past stays in the past. I wanted to think that the lines on the sand fixing certain boundaries won't be blurred by the stormy ocean, which are quite a frequent visitor in my life. Although the beginning of this story seems quite pessimistic or kitschy, the end is painted with a sincere smile on my face. With the sounds of "blue" by Frank Sinatra I can easily pour out words, that should have been written long ago. In life it is important to reach, where we can't reach. This teaches us humility, perseverance and faith in the impossible.
A year ago I saw completely by accident (seriously... I won't be dimming - it was a case without destiny there) casting for a survival reality show in my country. Ahh yes... I don't add. I am a Polish woman living in Great Britain right now. Coming back... It was survival reality show, where 6 people with completely different characters must survive 12 days on a deserted island. Survive, what it meant everything at that time. Starting from building a shelter, through searching for food, to ordinary interpersonal relations. A trip to Philippines was preceded by a three-stage casting. Third stage was the main elimination. 18 people were invited to Polish mountains to choose only happy special 6. It wasn't easy to be honest. But as far as I knew my options, it wasn't difficult either. The truth is that I haven't cheated myself from the beginning. Quite often, I have unlimited possibilities of thinking about myself in different ways than usual. My point is, that since I saw this two magic words: "casting" and "survival", I knew that I would get into this program. I just knew. Not because I was too arrogant. At some point each of us must know who he is, what he deserves and what he is capable of. I knew that this was my chance. Deep down I knew that this program could save my lost soul. Yes it's true. I confess this to myself. At that time I was lost female version of Peter Pan. I was looking for a way out of the claustrophobic room that I built in my head. I couldn't leave that room for quite long time.
I got into this program. I went to the Philippines. On the 5th day of my stay on the island I was visited by "bad days". These melancholy, majestic, dramatic and sentimental days, which sometimes have more in comparison to these better days. When I thought I was falling apart into many pieces. When I felt that I don't match to anything, to nobody. When I ran with my thoughts too far back or too far forward. When I shouldn't think at all. I should have turned off. Feel or not feel? Think or not think? Run or stay? That is happened with me when the weakest moment is actually the strongest, because I always chose "something" that is right. I came back stronger. Not because I had to eat coconut for 12 days and picked up a lot of pieces of heavy wood to keep the fire burning. I had a lot of time to think about everything. I was cut off from everything. Zero phone. Zero Internet. Only people. Emotions - I collected simultaneously anger, sadness, joy and euphoria. I stopped thinking that there was a cameraman somewhere next to me. I only saw myself. Bathed in the cold stream. Hearing the sounds of strange birds. Hearing branches breaking. Seeing how the sky changes color and darkens with every minute. And I was in my thoughts. I kept telling myself that I am somebody. That I was noticed. That I was taken to where I wanted. Where I decided. And for a 12 days moment I felt free. No handcuffs of everyday life.
This isn't a story about a girl who was blinded all her life and suddenly the island gave her a new look for things. The island gave me a new heart. Now I have two and I can give more than I gave only with one. It may be trivial to you. It's not like that. Anyone who lives in the tight embrace of life will understand it - he must. Because he must survive. Because he has to live for something. And it isn't just bullshit, that nature is a remedy for all the evil of this world. Nature is certainly one of the better ways to cure yourself from the 21st century. I mean... We can't pass certain things. But we can help ourselves in creating new ones - those suitable for us.
Once I created a dream list. There are 13 dream things, because it is my lucky number (or I like to tell myself that it is). I have already done a few. Which proves that I gave too real dreams or simply impossible ones, which, however, from a certain perspective are possible. Running away isn't a bad thing. At some point your running, you will find one place where you will want to stay. The escape have very obvious but in the same time messy purpose. Finding what we really run from, but in the most appropriate place to absorb the things, that we run away from. I don't know if I should add the great ending with the essence of bards and artists. I think that the essence of my journey are memories and a change, that was everything to me.